Inept- Useless In The Face Of Tragedy
There is nothing like parenting to turn you into a heaving, helpless ball of goo.
Before I had my son, I was pretty damn confident. I knew who I was, I knew where I was going and I had stitched together a basic order of the Universe that satisfied me. Well, Sullivan has found the loose thread and yanked it. Now my slapdash patch job has unravelled, which would be enough to wreck anyone, but now I have to hold things together and comfort a young boy who will someday grow to be a man.
This morning's incident will forever go down in family lore as "The Snow Globe Incident". I had a similar incident when I was his age, but I only remember the grief and not how my Mom handled it. Shit. Wish I knew because I'm sure she handled it much better than I did.
My son has a tendancy to wallow in misery when I am around. I am pretty sure that I do the same with him. We bring it out in each other. I imagine that is a pattern that was developed during my depression a couple of years ago. At any rate, Sullivan dropped his snow globe containing the Liberty Bell that I had purchased for him on my trip to Philadelphia last year. It cracked (funny, I just realized the humor in the snow globe of the Liberty Bell cracking just now) and Sullivan's heart broke right along with it. It's one thing when something breaks that you think is beautiful. It is another when you are the one responsible for breaking it. Howling ensued.
These things always seem to happen just before we are supposed to leave for school. I tried empathizing. I reminded him of the story when I was about his age and I broke a snow globe that my sister Pamela had given me. As I should have been able to predict (But was too dumb to figure it out) when I got to the part of the story when I was told the snow globe was broken and it couldn't be fixed Sullivan went into hysterics. Duh. He screamed at me that he wanted me to go to Philadelphia right now and get him a new one. When I told him that I couldn't do that he dissolved into an angry little puddle wanting to blame me for everything that is wrong with the world. I guess I carry that. As the mother, it is my duty to take all the blame. I tried reason. These things happen, it was an accident. This brought him no comfort. We had a good 20 minutes of screaming before I sat him down and told him that it was okay to be sad, but we had to move on with our day.
He wasn't buying it.
We were late and if there is one thing that makes me insane it is being late. So my anxiety level is mounting as he is bawling over this incredible loss and I finally figured something out. I told him that he can be sad about it and that is okay but it isn't fair to punish other people for your feelings. He stopped cold. Sad things happen and you can and should take your time to feel those feelings but you shouldn't treat others poorly just because you feel sad- especially when they are doing their best to help you through those feelings. The screaming stopped. He brushed his teeth and we walked to school. Once he was at school he ran with all of his friends and everything was fine. But I know my son. The tears will return when he comes home this afternoon.
Me? As soon as I got around the corner from school, I cried. Sullivan has a hard time accepting things as they are. I suppose if that tendancy is handled correctly it can be an asset instead of a liability. Perhaps he will grow to be resourceful and learn to change things for the better. Or he could choose to fret and whine like his Mom.
Before Sullivan, the world was a wonderful place. Sure there are people who do evil things (I will be getting to THAT post, soon enough) but I could handle it. It was just me I had to protect. Now even the smallest losses have so much meaning. Maybe that is a curse of my acting training which taught me to find significance in tiny things. Now my life is filled to overflowing with tiny things. Each time I see him go through something like this, my heart breaks a little. I'm doing my best to be an adult and not feed into it, but I give weight to these little losses. They must mean something or I wouldn't remember that heart sinking feeling that I had felt all those years ago when I had cracked my own snow globe. The experience and the feelings are etched into my brain and I am certain that if you looked at my heart you would see a tiny snow globe shaped scar right on the bottom.
I know many of you (especially those of you without children) will roll your eyes and tell me to fucking get over it already. That's valid. I get it. Many will say that I should have just forcibly brushed his teeth and taken him to school like it was no big deal, because in the big picture it really isn't a big deal. Maybe it isn't. But I know a broken heart when I see one and regardless of the cause I must pause to acknowledge the loss. Having Sullivan is a lot like raising myself all over again. It's like raising Tom all over again. I see his parents foibles, their strengths, weaknesses and unsung talents. Through nurturing him, I nurture myself but I sometimes overdo it. Sometimes I don't do enough. I get irritated with him when he acts like me. Damn, if I wanted a kid who acted like me I never would have had a child in the first place! But I did and now it is like I'm trapped in an emotional house of mirrors where everything is distorted and skewed to a tiny perspective.
I'm not so sure how to handle the Snow Globe Incident this evening. All I know is the parrot downstairs is whistling the theme to "The Andy Griffith Show" and I've got a bathroom to scrub before I go see my first graders who also have significant tiny things that occupy their minds.
How I would much rather run of to see "Nacho Libre"!
Before I had my son, I was pretty damn confident. I knew who I was, I knew where I was going and I had stitched together a basic order of the Universe that satisfied me. Well, Sullivan has found the loose thread and yanked it. Now my slapdash patch job has unravelled, which would be enough to wreck anyone, but now I have to hold things together and comfort a young boy who will someday grow to be a man.
This morning's incident will forever go down in family lore as "The Snow Globe Incident". I had a similar incident when I was his age, but I only remember the grief and not how my Mom handled it. Shit. Wish I knew because I'm sure she handled it much better than I did.
My son has a tendancy to wallow in misery when I am around. I am pretty sure that I do the same with him. We bring it out in each other. I imagine that is a pattern that was developed during my depression a couple of years ago. At any rate, Sullivan dropped his snow globe containing the Liberty Bell that I had purchased for him on my trip to Philadelphia last year. It cracked (funny, I just realized the humor in the snow globe of the Liberty Bell cracking just now) and Sullivan's heart broke right along with it. It's one thing when something breaks that you think is beautiful. It is another when you are the one responsible for breaking it. Howling ensued.
These things always seem to happen just before we are supposed to leave for school. I tried empathizing. I reminded him of the story when I was about his age and I broke a snow globe that my sister Pamela had given me. As I should have been able to predict (But was too dumb to figure it out) when I got to the part of the story when I was told the snow globe was broken and it couldn't be fixed Sullivan went into hysterics. Duh. He screamed at me that he wanted me to go to Philadelphia right now and get him a new one. When I told him that I couldn't do that he dissolved into an angry little puddle wanting to blame me for everything that is wrong with the world. I guess I carry that. As the mother, it is my duty to take all the blame. I tried reason. These things happen, it was an accident. This brought him no comfort. We had a good 20 minutes of screaming before I sat him down and told him that it was okay to be sad, but we had to move on with our day.
He wasn't buying it.
We were late and if there is one thing that makes me insane it is being late. So my anxiety level is mounting as he is bawling over this incredible loss and I finally figured something out. I told him that he can be sad about it and that is okay but it isn't fair to punish other people for your feelings. He stopped cold. Sad things happen and you can and should take your time to feel those feelings but you shouldn't treat others poorly just because you feel sad- especially when they are doing their best to help you through those feelings. The screaming stopped. He brushed his teeth and we walked to school. Once he was at school he ran with all of his friends and everything was fine. But I know my son. The tears will return when he comes home this afternoon.
Me? As soon as I got around the corner from school, I cried. Sullivan has a hard time accepting things as they are. I suppose if that tendancy is handled correctly it can be an asset instead of a liability. Perhaps he will grow to be resourceful and learn to change things for the better. Or he could choose to fret and whine like his Mom.
Before Sullivan, the world was a wonderful place. Sure there are people who do evil things (I will be getting to THAT post, soon enough) but I could handle it. It was just me I had to protect. Now even the smallest losses have so much meaning. Maybe that is a curse of my acting training which taught me to find significance in tiny things. Now my life is filled to overflowing with tiny things. Each time I see him go through something like this, my heart breaks a little. I'm doing my best to be an adult and not feed into it, but I give weight to these little losses. They must mean something or I wouldn't remember that heart sinking feeling that I had felt all those years ago when I had cracked my own snow globe. The experience and the feelings are etched into my brain and I am certain that if you looked at my heart you would see a tiny snow globe shaped scar right on the bottom.
I know many of you (especially those of you without children) will roll your eyes and tell me to fucking get over it already. That's valid. I get it. Many will say that I should have just forcibly brushed his teeth and taken him to school like it was no big deal, because in the big picture it really isn't a big deal. Maybe it isn't. But I know a broken heart when I see one and regardless of the cause I must pause to acknowledge the loss. Having Sullivan is a lot like raising myself all over again. It's like raising Tom all over again. I see his parents foibles, their strengths, weaknesses and unsung talents. Through nurturing him, I nurture myself but I sometimes overdo it. Sometimes I don't do enough. I get irritated with him when he acts like me. Damn, if I wanted a kid who acted like me I never would have had a child in the first place! But I did and now it is like I'm trapped in an emotional house of mirrors where everything is distorted and skewed to a tiny perspective.
I'm not so sure how to handle the Snow Globe Incident this evening. All I know is the parrot downstairs is whistling the theme to "The Andy Griffith Show" and I've got a bathroom to scrub before I go see my first graders who also have significant tiny things that occupy their minds.
How I would much rather run of to see "Nacho Libre"!
posted by Bree O'Connor at 9:12 AM
2 Comments:
Speaking of snow globes. My sister-in-law collects Disney snow globes, hundreds of them. Whenever we visit the famdamily in MN, we always stay with my brother, and it is unnerving to be surrounded by these things. While Xmas shopping last year Joanna suggested that we get my nephew a BB gun.
Funny. I'm getting all kinds of emails about people's snow globe traumas. Who the hell knew? Apparently, a snow globe can be more painful than a dry Slip-n-Slide.
Ouch.
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