'Cute' Is a Four Letter Word
During my last stint in acting school I got myself into a snit over being called 'cute'. Over and over again I would hear these comments (especially from the males in my class) that really got my back up.
"Oh!" they'd exclaim, "You're just so cute!"
I'd get pissed because what I heard behind the word 'cute' was "You're like a little fuzzy bunny! Yes you are! Who's a fuzzy bunny? Who's a fuzzy bunny? You! A woodgie woodgie woo!"
Yeah, fuck off.
That's when I started seeking out the roles for the psycho. Malformed, bitter characters prepared to maim or kill to reach their own ends became something I truly aspired to play. I started to do things in class to throw people off guard. I shot my teacher during a pre-scene exercise and told him he was a lying son of a bitch- among other things. He was the school guru and this shocked people, not just that I said it, but because it seemed that I really meant it. (I did, but that's not important. We're square.) I talked about the time I ran after a childhood friend with a steak knife with the sincere intent to do bodily harm. I growled and swore and participated in the nastiest, filthiest piece of scenework done that year. Really filthy. The poor guest teacher wasn't really sure what to do with it. He was probably trying to erase the memory of my panties. Of course, I did the scene with the gayest man in history, but I had a good substitution. The point is that I really hate being defined in diminutive terms.
Don't shove me in a box. I'm bigger than you think I am.
So this has been my issue; everyone keeps telling me that I should really gear my work toward kids."You have such a talent for it!" they say. "You know who that writing and performance project would really be good for? KIDS!". These words are always accompanied by this sweet, hopeful twinkle in their eyes. Don't get me wrong. I love working with kids. But I also know that if you work with kids, you work with kids. It is a rut you don't climb out of. If you work as a "serious" artist with adults and THEN lower yourself to work with kids, wow! You're a talented saint. But if you work with kids in your 20's and still work with kids in your 30's you work with kids for the rest of your career.
I do love working with kids because I love kids. Here's the thing, though, with kids you can only grow in your understanding of craft so much. You become stuck at that beginner level regardless of the brilliance that can spew forth in overwhelming torrents from the minor set. You don't have the brain challenge that working with other working artists gives you because you have to spend so much time getting their attention and starting from the very begining. I'm fucking starving and I can't fritter away my time creating work for little ones just because New York Mommy and Daddy will spend money on their kids and not on themselves. I have to resolve myself to take this risk and potential financial dive in order to get what my soul desires. I just wish people would stop trying to convince me that I belong in the world of children, that I belong in the world of cute, just because I choose to conduct myself as a polite human being. I am good with children. It is just that devoting myself to that market feels so horribly wrong to me. What would happen to my Queen Margaret or my Richard III if I continue to spend my days with Frog and Toad?
Of course, I am not so sure of myself that I do not question. Maybe I am fated to work with kids. Perhaps my time has already passed and I missed it and I should just accept the consequences. I missed my chance to be a (recognized) child prodigy so maybe I should just hang it up and play it safe. Very safe.
Is there something I'm missing? I know I'm good with kids, but I don't think I am a stellar teacher by any stretch of the imagination. I've only recently started to get a handle on my classroom management techniques, but I still don't carry any real authority. I don't ever want to be a dick with kids. Besides that, I am not the most disciplined person in the world. Just hit the right button and you'll be able to listen to me drone on and on for hours and never get a lick of work done. Kids know that and they seek those buttons out.
Not to mention that public schools are so riddled with problems that if I get involved any deeper than I already am, I'll probably lose my mind. The people who say these things to me hang far too many hopes on the power of art to transform. I'm not saying that it can't, because I truly do believe in it but it isn't the only tool for tranformation. That can be achieved simply by an adult being HUMAN to a child. That's all it requires. I just don't think I am the type of person who could succeed at this and I certainly wouldn't be happy doing it.
In my estimation, it all comes back to that four letter word, 'cute'. I know people see my soft, freckled face and see my bouncy personality and assume that I don't have a dark side. I do and I need to work through it with my art. Take that away from me and I've lost my reason to live a life in art at all.
I don't want to hear any more bullshit about me working with kids full time. I don't want to hear any more crap about how I'm sweet or cute or nice. That's just the me I use to make and keep friends. It is too much pressure to be the nice person all the time. It isn't everything I am.
Just like it isn't everything you are, either.
"Oh!" they'd exclaim, "You're just so cute!"
I'd get pissed because what I heard behind the word 'cute' was "You're like a little fuzzy bunny! Yes you are! Who's a fuzzy bunny? Who's a fuzzy bunny? You! A woodgie woodgie woo!"
Yeah, fuck off.
That's when I started seeking out the roles for the psycho. Malformed, bitter characters prepared to maim or kill to reach their own ends became something I truly aspired to play. I started to do things in class to throw people off guard. I shot my teacher during a pre-scene exercise and told him he was a lying son of a bitch- among other things. He was the school guru and this shocked people, not just that I said it, but because it seemed that I really meant it. (I did, but that's not important. We're square.) I talked about the time I ran after a childhood friend with a steak knife with the sincere intent to do bodily harm. I growled and swore and participated in the nastiest, filthiest piece of scenework done that year. Really filthy. The poor guest teacher wasn't really sure what to do with it. He was probably trying to erase the memory of my panties. Of course, I did the scene with the gayest man in history, but I had a good substitution. The point is that I really hate being defined in diminutive terms.
Don't shove me in a box. I'm bigger than you think I am.
So this has been my issue; everyone keeps telling me that I should really gear my work toward kids."You have such a talent for it!" they say. "You know who that writing and performance project would really be good for? KIDS!". These words are always accompanied by this sweet, hopeful twinkle in their eyes. Don't get me wrong. I love working with kids. But I also know that if you work with kids, you work with kids. It is a rut you don't climb out of. If you work as a "serious" artist with adults and THEN lower yourself to work with kids, wow! You're a talented saint. But if you work with kids in your 20's and still work with kids in your 30's you work with kids for the rest of your career.
I do love working with kids because I love kids. Here's the thing, though, with kids you can only grow in your understanding of craft so much. You become stuck at that beginner level regardless of the brilliance that can spew forth in overwhelming torrents from the minor set. You don't have the brain challenge that working with other working artists gives you because you have to spend so much time getting their attention and starting from the very begining. I'm fucking starving and I can't fritter away my time creating work for little ones just because New York Mommy and Daddy will spend money on their kids and not on themselves. I have to resolve myself to take this risk and potential financial dive in order to get what my soul desires. I just wish people would stop trying to convince me that I belong in the world of children, that I belong in the world of cute, just because I choose to conduct myself as a polite human being. I am good with children. It is just that devoting myself to that market feels so horribly wrong to me. What would happen to my Queen Margaret or my Richard III if I continue to spend my days with Frog and Toad?
Of course, I am not so sure of myself that I do not question. Maybe I am fated to work with kids. Perhaps my time has already passed and I missed it and I should just accept the consequences. I missed my chance to be a (recognized) child prodigy so maybe I should just hang it up and play it safe. Very safe.
Is there something I'm missing? I know I'm good with kids, but I don't think I am a stellar teacher by any stretch of the imagination. I've only recently started to get a handle on my classroom management techniques, but I still don't carry any real authority. I don't ever want to be a dick with kids. Besides that, I am not the most disciplined person in the world. Just hit the right button and you'll be able to listen to me drone on and on for hours and never get a lick of work done. Kids know that and they seek those buttons out.
Not to mention that public schools are so riddled with problems that if I get involved any deeper than I already am, I'll probably lose my mind. The people who say these things to me hang far too many hopes on the power of art to transform. I'm not saying that it can't, because I truly do believe in it but it isn't the only tool for tranformation. That can be achieved simply by an adult being HUMAN to a child. That's all it requires. I just don't think I am the type of person who could succeed at this and I certainly wouldn't be happy doing it.
In my estimation, it all comes back to that four letter word, 'cute'. I know people see my soft, freckled face and see my bouncy personality and assume that I don't have a dark side. I do and I need to work through it with my art. Take that away from me and I've lost my reason to live a life in art at all.
I don't want to hear any more bullshit about me working with kids full time. I don't want to hear any more crap about how I'm sweet or cute or nice. That's just the me I use to make and keep friends. It is too much pressure to be the nice person all the time. It isn't everything I am.
Just like it isn't everything you are, either.
posted by Bree O'Connor at 12:31 AM
2 Comments:
I know I'm going to regret writing this because your whining is my amusement, but quit fretting about what other people think or taking a professional risk and pursue your own goals. Now let me be the first to point out my hypocrisy. I'd love to quit my job and open my own studio, but I've got a decent paycheck and good benefits which allows us to raise our kids in a decent little house in a nice neighborhood and for Joanna (psst! buy her books) to be with them all day and pursue her writing in the evening. I would be lying if I said I weren't jealous of her sometimes, but she's got to do the whole pregnancy thing so I'm not complaining. Now, I don't know exactly what your situation is, but it sounds like Tom is a good provider, so I doubt that possible failure of your artistic endeavors will land you on the streets.
Oh quit acting like you're simply amused by my neuroses. (or my terrible spelling) You actually like me. And you're being nice.
Don't worry. I won't start expecting it.
You do have a point, and I appreciate you making it. Even though I know how much you like to have the last word (almost as much as me) you didn't have to go through the trouble to type it. So I know that you are working hard to be encouraging.
So, yes, Virginia, there IS a Santa Clause. But since he's passed out in a crack house you'll have to deal with this guy.
Nothing to see here, people. Move along.
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