You Say Vosotros, I Say Ustedes

I hate having to be such a damn smarty pants, but I had to speak up about the lack of verb conjugation in my free Spanish class. So, we finally got to conjugate some -ar verbs and that was helpful. However, I picked it up very quickly (thanks to my knowledge of French) and was ready to move on but very irritated with the teacher's need to tell us all the exceptions to the rules before we've even learned the rules. Dude, one thing at a time. Yes, even though it is not common speech, I want to learn vosotros because I may need it someday. Don't know when that day will come, but hey- just teach me the flippin' form, would ya? And don't confuse me by using the form that agrees with ustedes with vosotros because that is not what the filppin' book is telling me. And my grammar sucks to begin with. I don't need any help screwing it up.

The thing that frustates me is that I get the sense that because she is a native speaker she feels she can just follow the book and that will be her lesson plan. There is just more to it than that. I love her to bits as a person. She's cool and funny and sweet, but that's not everything it takes to be a teacher.

Then I fall into yet another big question in my life. Do I have a sucky, arrogant attitude that needs to be taken down a notch or am I just smarter? My ego wants to tell me that I am smarter than the average bear, but I don't really like thinking that way. If I do, then my ego and my attitude go totally out of whack and I start being a jerk. It is just that sometimes the people around me do things that are ass backwards and to me it is so obvious that there is a better way. Am I being a dick if I say so? Especially if I'm not the one in charge?

Not to mention the dangers of shooting your mouth off in that way. Either people think you're a know it all jackass or they agree with you and put you in charge. Like I don't have enough to do. I have to bite my tongue when I see others struggling with pronunciation and what I really want to do is teach them the International Phonetic Alphabet, which makes it so much easier. In that instance it isn't because I am smarter, it is because I have this extra tool that helps me make connections more quickly. But, I spent a year learning that alphabet and a quick lesson in it won't help anyone. It does make me think that I should teach it to my son at some point, though.

Whether I am just smart or smarter is really not the point of anything right now. What IS the point is that I am most definitely NOT stupid and my brain should be occupied with more than housework and how to construct a lifelike Voldemort out of scrap paper.

I'm trying, but when I get out there I see how absolutely piecemeal my knowledge is. I have what I like to call "cocktail knowledge". That means I have enough knowledge of a vast array of subjects that allows me to have engaging discussions over cocktails, but nothing in depth. Or at least, not in depth enough for me to feel confident in it and call myself an expert. Then I see people who know WAY less than I do about any given subject going out there and selling their knowledge to the highest bidder. What the? How do they DO that?

Yesterday I was out hunting for theatre spaces and I was talking about my project to the theatre manager. He was interested in my theories and methodology and had questions which I answered well enough to encourage a nice discussion. I think I got through the discussion in a competent manner but I couldn't help but wonder- if I was going to hire someone for this job I am doing, would I hire me? I don't think so. So what makes me think I am qualified for this? So what if I have been doing this kind of thing for 15 years? Do I really know what I am doing? When I told him that I am handling every aspect of this undertaking he looked like he thought I was crazy, but he was also impressed. What the hell makes me think I can pull this crazy thing off?

I'm smart. I have talent. I'm good at what I do. But what if that still isn't enough?