Santa, This Year I'd Like a Spine, Please
I've got some serious irons in the fire so far this year. I'm going to make 2006 my year if it freaking kills me.
Or, I might just hide in my responsibilities as a school volunteer and make sure my apartment is the cleanest and most organized in NYC.
I am hoping that I can muster up the brass cajones it is going to take to get these concepts off the ground. I keep running the numbers and my plans seem pretty good. I could make money off this shit. Not a lot, but something to keep us afloat while I get my coaching and directing career(s) off the ground- not to mention a couple of scripts I have that are awaiting production. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for an equal partner to come along and share my vision. As much as it seems people are willing to follow me, no one is willing to put their neck on the line and share the responsibility with me. I've got to do it for myself. If I fail, I won't have anyone to blame but myself. Aw shit, what I really wanted was a fall guy! Now I have to succeed or fail based completely on my own merits.
Now, I'm not an idiot. I know that if I had succeeded in gaining an equal partner who was willing to put up with my opinions and let me bulldoze my way through every project that I would STILL be the one responsible. I would just have someone to commiserate with at the end of the day. What poor bastard would really want to put up with all that? But, that's just not in the cards. I've got to suck it up and forge my path myself. I won't be completely alone. There are plenty of people on the sidelines to cheer me on and a few who will follow in my wake providing much needed support, but this path is going to be mine. The work will be mine. The joys and the sorrows will be mine. Just saying that makes me feel strong, but I've never really had (or claimed) anything that was completely mine. I'm not really sure if I deserve it.
BUT, I need to stop thinking of it that way. Deserving it is neither here nor there. I'm busy reordering my life and the way I look at the world and my place in it. A few things are going to get broken along the way. A few things are going to fit perfectly into place. All that is really required of me is that I be who I am. I may be pretty small, but what I have to share is too big to keep to myself.
I just have to grow a spine. That's all.
Or, I might just hide in my responsibilities as a school volunteer and make sure my apartment is the cleanest and most organized in NYC.
I am hoping that I can muster up the brass cajones it is going to take to get these concepts off the ground. I keep running the numbers and my plans seem pretty good. I could make money off this shit. Not a lot, but something to keep us afloat while I get my coaching and directing career(s) off the ground- not to mention a couple of scripts I have that are awaiting production. I've been waiting and waiting and waiting for an equal partner to come along and share my vision. As much as it seems people are willing to follow me, no one is willing to put their neck on the line and share the responsibility with me. I've got to do it for myself. If I fail, I won't have anyone to blame but myself. Aw shit, what I really wanted was a fall guy! Now I have to succeed or fail based completely on my own merits.
Now, I'm not an idiot. I know that if I had succeeded in gaining an equal partner who was willing to put up with my opinions and let me bulldoze my way through every project that I would STILL be the one responsible. I would just have someone to commiserate with at the end of the day. What poor bastard would really want to put up with all that? But, that's just not in the cards. I've got to suck it up and forge my path myself. I won't be completely alone. There are plenty of people on the sidelines to cheer me on and a few who will follow in my wake providing much needed support, but this path is going to be mine. The work will be mine. The joys and the sorrows will be mine. Just saying that makes me feel strong, but I've never really had (or claimed) anything that was completely mine. I'm not really sure if I deserve it.
BUT, I need to stop thinking of it that way. Deserving it is neither here nor there. I'm busy reordering my life and the way I look at the world and my place in it. A few things are going to get broken along the way. A few things are going to fit perfectly into place. All that is really required of me is that I be who I am. I may be pretty small, but what I have to share is too big to keep to myself.
I just have to grow a spine. That's all.
posted by Bree O'Connor at 1:03 AM
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