Sigh

In this dream I am 15 years old again. I'm bouncy, thin and my red hair is in its long, shiny glory. I'm waiting in line to get into the gymnasium for some movie or other kind of presentation. It's dark in the gym and the bleachers are pulled out.

Behind me stands a boy in a parka. He might be a little older than me. He's tall, dark and slightly dorky, just like I likes 'em. He's a little plump, but only in terms of baby fat. Underneath the layers lies an unrecognized power and that thrills me. I am conscious of the fact that he is not anyone I've known before this dream and yet, clearly, he is everyone that I have ever been close to. He looks lost and a little sad. I playfully bump up against him and he lights up. I feel like I want to cry he's so lovely, but it is a loveliness no one else can see. Just me. I tease him and he swats me away like I'm some bothersome fly but I can tell he doesn't really want me to leave.

The line begins to move and we find our seats, down front on the floor. Like true geeks we are actually interested in what they are going to show us. I sit close to him, but not too close. He is still wearing his parka and it makes a swishing sound whenever he moves. I watch him watch the movie they show us and I get caught up in my own thoughts.

This one loves me soft and deeply and he's too shy to say it. If I do this right, he'll chase me for years. I'm not sure if I'll ever want to kiss him, but I want to take care of him and I want him to look at me with those hungry, shy eyes. I want him to love me deep down in his gut so that he will protect me without giving it a second thought. I'll give him just enough to want to keep me but not enough to give him any confindence to do so. If he holds me he may crush me, or worse, let me go. The perpetual chase is a better choice.

I casually put my head in his lap and feel his body tighten in confusion. I can tell that he would like to hold me, kiss me, something but he is not sure what my response will be. Neither am I. I know that horrible moment when a a kiss is coming but there is still time to turn back. It's not hopeful or romantic. It's exposed and vulnerable, I'd rather not look in his eyes. I don't know what I'll find there. Because, as sure as I am of his affections any other moment of the day it is THIS moment, when we are face to face when I am not sure what I will encounter. Will those affectionate eyes still be there? Or will he turn into a predator seeking only a conquest? Worse yet, will I see what he really thinks of me? Will it be a vision as windswept and beautiful as I hope to project? Or will it be of someone common and simply present to fulfill his needs? Or will it be full of contempt because he knows the game I'm playing?

I wake up feeling lovesick and disoriented and wondering if I ever meant anything to anyone.