A Note To Coffee Counter Chicks Everywhere
Here's the deal, Lady. I know that Brits pronounce s c o n e "skauN" (heavy on the "N") but in AMERRRRKA we look at a vowel consonant e combination as a pure vowel sound which, in this particular instance, results in the sound "oh". You can call it a fucking "skauN" all day long, I'm still going to call it a scone. Because I'd be a pretentious fucking ass if I tried to pretend I was British for one fucking word.
In America we spell Normandy with a "y" and we put the stress on the first syllable. In America I can eat a burrito without rolling my "r'. Is it correct? Hell no, but in America we don't need to be puttin' on no high fallutin' airs just because we've risen to the exaulted position of Barista! And while you're at it, drop the faux French name, Margot de Froux Froux. We all know you're really a failed actress named Jessica from Milwaukee, so cut the shit.
Now, I can understand that you would twitter if I ordered a slice of "Kwitch" or "kwikee". But I won't have you getting snitty with me over a beignet from Krispy Kreme. (And that's a fucking donut, bitch, not a beignet) And I most certainly will not let you give me any attitude about my vowel consonant e combo choices when you have yet to figure out that simple sugar is the easiest way to sweeten an iced drink.
Oh, and honey, LATTE means NO FOAM, BITCH!
In America we spell Normandy with a "y" and we put the stress on the first syllable. In America I can eat a burrito without rolling my "r'. Is it correct? Hell no, but in America we don't need to be puttin' on no high fallutin' airs just because we've risen to the exaulted position of Barista! And while you're at it, drop the faux French name, Margot de Froux Froux. We all know you're really a failed actress named Jessica from Milwaukee, so cut the shit.
Now, I can understand that you would twitter if I ordered a slice of "Kwitch" or "kwikee". But I won't have you getting snitty with me over a beignet from Krispy Kreme. (And that's a fucking donut, bitch, not a beignet) And I most certainly will not let you give me any attitude about my vowel consonant e combo choices when you have yet to figure out that simple sugar is the easiest way to sweeten an iced drink.
Oh, and honey, LATTE means NO FOAM, BITCH!
posted by Bree O'Connor at 10:29 PM
13 Comments:
Not just because I've been riding you lately, but...
Right on!
If east coast is anything like west coast, the poor thing is probably trying to put her doctorate to good use at the wrong time.
Bree, you crack me up. :)
Yeah, what a bitch. How dare she have some sliver of pretension in her miserable hand-to-mouth existence? For $8 an hour she should be kissing your bourgeois middle-class ass.
Who said I was middle class?
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Sorry, I didn't realize that you are a member of the proletariat... like me.
posers
Actually a latte is to have a 1/4 inch of foam on top... part of that foam is the damn crema of a properly brewed espresso. Order a flat white next time or say no foam.
And don't get me started on AMERRRRRRIKANS and coffee shops or the coffee industry. I'll "pull" your posers asses out behind the shop and "heavily tamp" your "group heads" with a "demitasse" and "thermometer."
See, that's why one never wants to fuck with food service personnel. Be polite and tip, and maybe, just maybe, they will make sure our deaths are quick and painless when the revolution comes.
So often I have wanted to post a coffee bitch rant. Well said.
For the food service people reading:
My best friend was a coffee bitch. And she will be the first to tell you -
Here's how you get jobs that pay more than $8 an hour plus tips: You do your job well - whatever it might be. Get the damn orders right and hand it over with a sweet smile.
After all, if you have a problem figuring out how to be sucessful serving coffee and scones, the people who run more complicated and well paying businesses will doubt you can do much else.
I used to be a coffee bitch myself. But I knew that being condescending to the patrons would not win me any tips. And, you know, as much as I would have rather done something else for my living at the time, I actually liked talking to people and giving them edibles. I don't give a fuck what your station in life is. There's no reason to be such a snotty bitch. You don't like people and feel the need to place yourself above others? Then get the fuck out of customer service.
That's what I say!
So that's why I never made it past busboy. I always figured it was Whitey keeping me down.
For the record I agree, If you're an ass to the customers then having a shitty job is it's own punishment.
Still, they do have the power to fuck with my food, so I never fuck with them. I'll just go somewhere else.
Good point, X.
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