Shift

It occurs to me that what I really need is to make my life whole. By that I mean that I have, out of perceived necessity, compartmentalized my life. There's me the mommy, the wife, the actor, the producer, the writer, the director, the teacher, the sister, the daughter, the friend, the lover... we all have these roles that we play but for me it feels so separate. I feel scattered and disassociated with all the parts of myself so that there is only one or two parts of me engaged at any given time. I keep waiting for this magic moment to happen when I will be in a cushy set of circumstances that will allow me the freedom to create and be whole.

Well, that's a bunch of bullshit, isn't it? Clearly, I allowed myself to be misled. It seems that I should be able to bring all of these parts of me together under the umbrella that is part of my true nature. I'm an artist. My mistake has been that I have been struggling to make art my life when I should be making my life art.

It is no secret that I am full of shit. But I'm earnest. I need art in my life like I need food and air and water. Not because I'm advanced, but because that is the way my brain works. For some reason, my brain is wired for comprehension through expression. Well, there is no reason why I can't do that daily and the surprise is that I do. I just don't give myself credit.

I've decided to walk away from this situation that has come up. After discussing it with Tom I realized that it isn't fear that is holding me back. Rather it is the fact that I get into these situations because I feel pressure to declare something pulicly, to create something for the sole purpose of showing others that I can do it. I should be doing my own work because something has moved me and I shouldn't be creating just to please others and get a pat on the back. No. I need to do this my way and if it is not going fast enough for others or if anyone is going to judge me by the quantity of work I put out for public consumption in a year then I'll just have to accept that. Just because I am not doing something right this second does not mean I have to give up my artistry all together. The fear is that someone will take it away from me and I will not be anything. That's obviously not true. I can live an artistic life but it will have to be done my way. I'm me and my art is me and there is no one else who can do my art for me. I cannot do anyone else's either.

And I need to accept that getting people to love me through my work is not as important as the work itself. I desperately desire validation, but that should not be my motivation. Work created for validations sake is not as honest as the work I truly desire to do. I'm looking to be brutal and honest with and about myself and the way I see the world. I need to challenge myself and maybe others will be challenged as well. If I can do that, my life will be whole and different and truly mine.