Holiday Introspection Wrap Up
It feels like a small mouse crawled under the skin in my forearm, buried his claws and teeth into my muscle and then died in there. This bug bite thing is making me lose my mind. Seriously, my right forearm is swollen like a python after a good meal and I'm all crazy on Benedryl. So not my drug of choice. Of course, at the moment my drug of choice happens to be a hearty loaf of bread dipped in olive oil and salt so, you figure out what that means for yourself.
Basically, I've come to the conclusion that I don't know my ass from a hole in the ground but since I'm not riding around in North Jersey blindfolded in the back of a cargo van being driven by guys named Paulie and 'Nardo, I'm probably okay. I live in Brooklyn where the chances of my coming across an honest to goodness hole in the ground are pretty slim so I'm sure I'd be able to figure it out sooner or later. Anyway, it is probably my job to be confused at this point. If I had it all figured out I'd probably be doing it wrong.
But that's just my problem. I'm terrified that I am doing something terribly wrong. I always have this sinking feeling that I've done or said something horrible or unforgivable without even knowing it. I do have a habit of choking on my size nines. I'm in a constant state of self doubt because I've noticed that all the things that have worked for me are not the things that normal people do. I mean, in my business, there is a certain way to conduct yourself and a certain prescribed method of getting and keeping business. I've tried it. I suck at it. I feel terrible that I suck at it. I punish myself for being a stupid, stupid failure. But when I ignore the advice that I've received from "pros" I seem to do much better. Even if I am doing well I can't help but wonder if I am doing it horribly wrong and if people aren't laughing at me behind my back because I'm so ridiculously clueless. If I'm not doing what they say I should be doing, than I must be doing something wrong. My teachers kept telling me "Work smart, not hard" but I don't know if I know how to work smart. I just work hard.
My Lord, I'm an idiot who thinks way too much.
I'm not as brave as I used to be. I used to be able to thumb my nose at a lot of things and be brassy and not give two shits about what anyone outside my little circle thought of me. Of course, that lead to a lot of jackass behavior that I've decided I dislike so now the pendulum has swung the other direction. I'm a Sagittarius. Subtlety and middle ground are not my strong suits.
So this has lead me to the rather exasperating conclusion that, maybe, I should be trying to re-invent the wheel. I know people make it a point to NOT do that, but I don't think anyone else's wheel really works for me. I'm going to have to chisel the damn thing myself. I think I'm going to put playing cards in the spokes. I can totally do that 'cause it's my wheel, fucker!
That is, if you don't mind.
Basically, I've come to the conclusion that I don't know my ass from a hole in the ground but since I'm not riding around in North Jersey blindfolded in the back of a cargo van being driven by guys named Paulie and 'Nardo, I'm probably okay. I live in Brooklyn where the chances of my coming across an honest to goodness hole in the ground are pretty slim so I'm sure I'd be able to figure it out sooner or later. Anyway, it is probably my job to be confused at this point. If I had it all figured out I'd probably be doing it wrong.
But that's just my problem. I'm terrified that I am doing something terribly wrong. I always have this sinking feeling that I've done or said something horrible or unforgivable without even knowing it. I do have a habit of choking on my size nines. I'm in a constant state of self doubt because I've noticed that all the things that have worked for me are not the things that normal people do. I mean, in my business, there is a certain way to conduct yourself and a certain prescribed method of getting and keeping business. I've tried it. I suck at it. I feel terrible that I suck at it. I punish myself for being a stupid, stupid failure. But when I ignore the advice that I've received from "pros" I seem to do much better. Even if I am doing well I can't help but wonder if I am doing it horribly wrong and if people aren't laughing at me behind my back because I'm so ridiculously clueless. If I'm not doing what they say I should be doing, than I must be doing something wrong. My teachers kept telling me "Work smart, not hard" but I don't know if I know how to work smart. I just work hard.
My Lord, I'm an idiot who thinks way too much.
I'm not as brave as I used to be. I used to be able to thumb my nose at a lot of things and be brassy and not give two shits about what anyone outside my little circle thought of me. Of course, that lead to a lot of jackass behavior that I've decided I dislike so now the pendulum has swung the other direction. I'm a Sagittarius. Subtlety and middle ground are not my strong suits.
So this has lead me to the rather exasperating conclusion that, maybe, I should be trying to re-invent the wheel. I know people make it a point to NOT do that, but I don't think anyone else's wheel really works for me. I'm going to have to chisel the damn thing myself. I think I'm going to put playing cards in the spokes. I can totally do that 'cause it's my wheel, fucker!
That is, if you don't mind.
posted by Bree O'Connor at 11:20 PM
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