Hormonal Freak

I know that I've been affected by the ebb and flow of my cycle throughout my life, but I can honestly say that I've never felt the pull so intensely before. This indicates to me that something is amiss. I want to crawl into a hole and cry, but if someone gets near me I want to scratch their fucking eyes out. I need to be alone. Desperately. I feel cramped, encrouched upon, stolen from and so irritable you'd think I was wearing sandpaper underwear.

This morning I was waiting for a bus and had to listen to some guy berate his junky girlfriend. Her posture read as defeat and her broken heart was splattered all over her face. I could tell that he was hurting and fed up with her behavior so he was lashing out at her. Such a typical scenario. I saw them still arguing as the bus pulled away and I couldn't help but sob. I know people make their own choices and they have to live with the consequences. Right now, I am just so sensitive to watching people hurt each other. Regardless, I feel like lashing out myself if someone brushes against this sore spot I've developed in the last day or two.

The weird thing is, even though I am terrified of having another child and wonder whether or not I'll be able to do the infancy thing all over again, each time I bleed I feel a loss. I'm not ready to do it again, I don't think. I'm certainly not in a professional or financial position to do it again, but I feel the missed opportunity and it gets more painful as time moves on. Is this how I am going to spend the rest of my fertile years? Looking at my son and wondering how screwed up he is going to be because I didn't give him a sibling to thin out the doses of maternal weirdness? Man, that much me has got to be really hard to take!

I think I really need a glass of wine, a hot bath, a big steak, men who are present but do not speak and full television remote control priviledges. Then by tomorrow I'll be right as rain- whatever the fuck that means.