Loving the Self-Loathing
It seems that I go through this thing every few years where I try to dissassociate myself from who I am and what my passions are. The truth is, I am pretty ashamed of being an actor. I hate actors. I hate their self centeredness. I hate their whispy, self-important, vapid approach to life. I hate that they are empty vessels searching to be filled with audience approval. I hate their work ethics. I hate that they are always fucking late. I hate the way they talk and I hate the way they value celebrity over substance. I hate their fascination with all things shiny and pretty. I hate their vanity and their willingness to become a commodity. I also hate that when something challenging or horrible happens to you they say things like "...yeah, but you can really USE that!". I hate the fact that when they say that you can detect a note of jealousy in their voice. Idiots.
But I can't stop.
I audited a class today figuring that it is time I get back into the swing of things and start to seriously rebuild my artistic community. Not to mention the fact that I want to have as many resources as possible once I start coaching again. I want my clients to know that I can recommend so and so or such and such studio because I know their work. It's just good business.
I forget just how much I love class. There is absolutely nothing in the world that makes me happier than to be in the presence of work. I love the way my brain feels. I love the way my body sweats and feels present and ready to do whatever is asked. I feel lit up from the inside. I can't wipe the smile off my face. I can't wait to get up and work. I also love the fact that I can sit in a class and have truly come to a point where I can see what the instructor sees. My actor brain is pretty sharp and I can honestly say that I have gymnastic mental ability when it comes to the observation of the work. Once I get rolling, my students will learn a lot from me.
I've always been a jack of all trades. I am able to gain a certain amount of proficiency in most things I apply myself to. But this is the one thing I can honestly say that I am really good at. (Dangling participles, not so much!) I'm not good at the machine and I'm not good at being a slave to it. I thought for a long time that I would have to bow out of the business because certain obstacles seemed insurmountable. I don't audition. I resist being pigeonholed. I refuse to sell my soul to something I do not believe in. But I think I may have found a way around that.
It sort of blows me away that I knew what I was when I was 15- and I wasn't wrong. Now I just have to stop hating that part of myself and encourage a new way to be an actor and surround myself with like minded actors. I just have to commit to it- to myself. I've known that for at least 10 years. The question is, how much longer am I going to wait?
But I can't stop.
I audited a class today figuring that it is time I get back into the swing of things and start to seriously rebuild my artistic community. Not to mention the fact that I want to have as many resources as possible once I start coaching again. I want my clients to know that I can recommend so and so or such and such studio because I know their work. It's just good business.
I forget just how much I love class. There is absolutely nothing in the world that makes me happier than to be in the presence of work. I love the way my brain feels. I love the way my body sweats and feels present and ready to do whatever is asked. I feel lit up from the inside. I can't wipe the smile off my face. I can't wait to get up and work. I also love the fact that I can sit in a class and have truly come to a point where I can see what the instructor sees. My actor brain is pretty sharp and I can honestly say that I have gymnastic mental ability when it comes to the observation of the work. Once I get rolling, my students will learn a lot from me.
I've always been a jack of all trades. I am able to gain a certain amount of proficiency in most things I apply myself to. But this is the one thing I can honestly say that I am really good at. (Dangling participles, not so much!) I'm not good at the machine and I'm not good at being a slave to it. I thought for a long time that I would have to bow out of the business because certain obstacles seemed insurmountable. I don't audition. I resist being pigeonholed. I refuse to sell my soul to something I do not believe in. But I think I may have found a way around that.
It sort of blows me away that I knew what I was when I was 15- and I wasn't wrong. Now I just have to stop hating that part of myself and encourage a new way to be an actor and surround myself with like minded actors. I just have to commit to it- to myself. I've known that for at least 10 years. The question is, how much longer am I going to wait?
posted by Bree O'Connor at 3:54 AM
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