Path of Least Resistance
Right now I am avoiding things. See, I'm even avoiding being specific about what I am avoiding. Oh, this is going to get worse before it gets better.
When I was in acting school we were encouraged to do the things to which we had a natural, gut-level feeling of resistance. The idea is that resistance is fear. That which you fear must be confronted to discover deeper truth. There you will find wisdom, strength and vulnerability- and hopefully an Oscar statuette with your name engraved on it. Actor training in New York is so much spiritual practice with promised monetary bonuses. Hard to reconcile, but it is what it is.
I did it again. I don't know if you noticed it, but I have this cynical habit. I cannot trust anything. My acting training (which, corny as it sounds, is like my church, my spirituality) has been soured by its focus on money and fame. Just because there is a yucky side to something should not make the truth you discover from it a lie. For example, if a liar tells you the sky is blue, is the sky any less blue? I don't know. I can tell you that I have a hard time accepting that information. In some ways, I feel I deny myself the opportunity to make money at what I do because somewhere, deep inside I feel that if I make money I will be a traitor to my art and my soul. Money and comfort will kill my art. Which is a damn funny thing to think, considering that the lack of money and comfort have not done too much FOR my art. But I never said I wasn't a dumb ass.
I had this conversation yesterday with a man that I do have a genuine affection for, but generally think he is a naive, old fool. He told me that I need to stop doing work at this amatuer level and just take the big leap and someone there will help carry me further. He said that I am just too talented and that I have what it takes to bring something new and interesting to the world. I want to believe that. That is so what I want to hear. But, what the hell does he know?
I've been avoiding so much in my life out of fear. It has gotten to the point where all roads are now blocked and I will not be able to move forward until I face these fears. I'm actually afraid of making money. I'm afraid of losing authenticity. I'm afraid of comfort. I'm afraid of losing control. I'm afraid of losing my self. I am afraid that if I am too honest too loud that I will lose friends and family. I am afraid of making art that is not honest. I am afraid no one will care.
Strap on the helmet and buckle the safety belts. Here we go.
When I was in acting school we were encouraged to do the things to which we had a natural, gut-level feeling of resistance. The idea is that resistance is fear. That which you fear must be confronted to discover deeper truth. There you will find wisdom, strength and vulnerability- and hopefully an Oscar statuette with your name engraved on it. Actor training in New York is so much spiritual practice with promised monetary bonuses. Hard to reconcile, but it is what it is.
I did it again. I don't know if you noticed it, but I have this cynical habit. I cannot trust anything. My acting training (which, corny as it sounds, is like my church, my spirituality) has been soured by its focus on money and fame. Just because there is a yucky side to something should not make the truth you discover from it a lie. For example, if a liar tells you the sky is blue, is the sky any less blue? I don't know. I can tell you that I have a hard time accepting that information. In some ways, I feel I deny myself the opportunity to make money at what I do because somewhere, deep inside I feel that if I make money I will be a traitor to my art and my soul. Money and comfort will kill my art. Which is a damn funny thing to think, considering that the lack of money and comfort have not done too much FOR my art. But I never said I wasn't a dumb ass.
I had this conversation yesterday with a man that I do have a genuine affection for, but generally think he is a naive, old fool. He told me that I need to stop doing work at this amatuer level and just take the big leap and someone there will help carry me further. He said that I am just too talented and that I have what it takes to bring something new and interesting to the world. I want to believe that. That is so what I want to hear. But, what the hell does he know?
I've been avoiding so much in my life out of fear. It has gotten to the point where all roads are now blocked and I will not be able to move forward until I face these fears. I'm actually afraid of making money. I'm afraid of losing authenticity. I'm afraid of comfort. I'm afraid of losing control. I'm afraid of losing my self. I am afraid that if I am too honest too loud that I will lose friends and family. I am afraid of making art that is not honest. I am afraid no one will care.
Strap on the helmet and buckle the safety belts. Here we go.
posted by Bree O'Connor at 1:27 PM
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