HELP! I'VE WASTED MY LIFE!
I should NOT look up my ex-classmates online. Especially not the self-absorbed barracudas that made me nuts with their constant preening and lack of involvement in anything outside the theatre to make them interesting human beings. It always made me crazy that they had raging talent and confidence and I knew they would go somewhere because they'd sell their grandmothers for the ticket. Damn it! I wish I didn't know a thing about them.
What a freaking waste. Here I am, 30, flipping brilliant and out of work. Why? Because I don't have the freaking guts. I don't see my place in there. The difference between me and these others is that they never doubt their place. They do not beg, they take. I can't help but find that behavior presumptuous and repugnant. I refuse to beg and I will not take without asking and I almost never ask. I've always waited for permission to be doled out to me in little approving head pats and unsolicited scholarships. I've always stood at the crosswalk, patiently waiting for the light to turn while others looked both ways and then just went on with it. I'm so pissed at my polite upbringing that I want to scream, but I won't because it is in the evening and I don't want to disturb my neighbors.
Like anyone, I have many different sides to my personality. My frustration is that I feel there is a refusal by many (including myself) to let me have those other sides. Look, I'm nice. I'm polite. I'm compassionate, funny and sometimes I am downright bubbly. I'm good with kids (I love kids), I'm responsible, trustworthy, intelligent and a damn good listener. This is the Bree that most people know. But there is another Bree in there- and this Bree is the actor. This Bree is scary. This is the me that is hot tempered. This is the me that is a sexual opportunist. I am manipulative, greedy, clever and have a forked tongue. This is the me that few people see outside my work as an actor (thankfully, I suppose), but I would just like some acknowledgement for this side of my character and maybe a little pat on the back for keeping that part of me in check! It's obnoxious being a fucking goody-two-shoes wife and mom all the time. Damn it, I used to set fire to things! I used to cast spells, sleep in cemetaries, carve in my own flesh, cover myself head to toe in paint, and make a general ass of myself. I'm not saying I want to do all those things again, or even be and feel those dark things again- but I don't want to lose any part of myself. That dark and creepy person was alive. Was ME. And I liked her. I can't always say the same for my current sweet little ol' self. I was a train wreck of a person, but at least I was interesting and I was engaged in something. Now all of my pursuits are quiet ones. I am NOT a soccer mom, but what the hell AM I?
Funny. I had intended this to be about my career and it really isn't. I'm really and truly missing me. Ain't that a kick in the head?
When I was in Minnesota I had run into a friend of mine that I had worked with on a few shows when I lived there. We were busy catching up. He has two kids now and we were comparing some parental notes when he made some crack about parenting with my particular temperment. It was all good natured ribbing but it seemed so out of place as no one has poked me about my rather fiery disposition in years. Why? Because no one has seen it in years. Most people I know now would definitely NOT use the word "fiery" to descibe anything about me anymore. Well, that was unintentional. I hadn't meant to let that slide. That was one of my favorite things about me. Not always pleasant, but at least it was always passionate. Did I burn out? No! Surely not me!?
It is just like the vet said "If you have an uppity bitch, breed her and she'll calm down."
The fuck I will!
What a freaking waste. Here I am, 30, flipping brilliant and out of work. Why? Because I don't have the freaking guts. I don't see my place in there. The difference between me and these others is that they never doubt their place. They do not beg, they take. I can't help but find that behavior presumptuous and repugnant. I refuse to beg and I will not take without asking and I almost never ask. I've always waited for permission to be doled out to me in little approving head pats and unsolicited scholarships. I've always stood at the crosswalk, patiently waiting for the light to turn while others looked both ways and then just went on with it. I'm so pissed at my polite upbringing that I want to scream, but I won't because it is in the evening and I don't want to disturb my neighbors.
Like anyone, I have many different sides to my personality. My frustration is that I feel there is a refusal by many (including myself) to let me have those other sides. Look, I'm nice. I'm polite. I'm compassionate, funny and sometimes I am downright bubbly. I'm good with kids (I love kids), I'm responsible, trustworthy, intelligent and a damn good listener. This is the Bree that most people know. But there is another Bree in there- and this Bree is the actor. This Bree is scary. This is the me that is hot tempered. This is the me that is a sexual opportunist. I am manipulative, greedy, clever and have a forked tongue. This is the me that few people see outside my work as an actor (thankfully, I suppose), but I would just like some acknowledgement for this side of my character and maybe a little pat on the back for keeping that part of me in check! It's obnoxious being a fucking goody-two-shoes wife and mom all the time. Damn it, I used to set fire to things! I used to cast spells, sleep in cemetaries, carve in my own flesh, cover myself head to toe in paint, and make a general ass of myself. I'm not saying I want to do all those things again, or even be and feel those dark things again- but I don't want to lose any part of myself. That dark and creepy person was alive. Was ME. And I liked her. I can't always say the same for my current sweet little ol' self. I was a train wreck of a person, but at least I was interesting and I was engaged in something. Now all of my pursuits are quiet ones. I am NOT a soccer mom, but what the hell AM I?
Funny. I had intended this to be about my career and it really isn't. I'm really and truly missing me. Ain't that a kick in the head?
When I was in Minnesota I had run into a friend of mine that I had worked with on a few shows when I lived there. We were busy catching up. He has two kids now and we were comparing some parental notes when he made some crack about parenting with my particular temperment. It was all good natured ribbing but it seemed so out of place as no one has poked me about my rather fiery disposition in years. Why? Because no one has seen it in years. Most people I know now would definitely NOT use the word "fiery" to descibe anything about me anymore. Well, that was unintentional. I hadn't meant to let that slide. That was one of my favorite things about me. Not always pleasant, but at least it was always passionate. Did I burn out? No! Surely not me!?
It is just like the vet said "If you have an uppity bitch, breed her and she'll calm down."
The fuck I will!
posted by Bree O'Connor at 1:15 AM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home