Arrogant Not Snobby

I must admit that it bothers me when my sister calls me a snob. I guess my family has been trying to drill that into my head for a couple of decades, at least. But I don't think it is quite accurate.

I'll freely admit that I am an arrogant ass. It comes with the insecurity and raging sense of perfectionism that is part of my personality cocktail. I hold myself to a very high standard and I punish myself severely when I fail. I get upset when I see people around me not caring enough to set higher standards for themselves and I can and do get judgemental. I honestly try not to. I try very hard to see how people struggle and are working with circumstances of which I know nothing about. I do slip from time to time and believe me, I flog myself once I get home. But this behavior does not stop me from socializing or being kind to people. I'll talk to anyone who will talk to me and, with the rare exception of the five people I'd like to punch in the neck, my arrogance does not stop me from being friendly. Hell, even those five people would probably describe me as polite.

I know I shoot my mouth off a lot about movies and so on. My standards for good entertainment are decidedly higher that most. I'm passionate about it. People often mistake my passion for absolutism but what they don't grasp is that these are standards that apply to what I like, not to what you like. There's a difference. Just know that if you ask my opinon, you're going to get it.

But that is totally a midwestern thing. This is where Pamela will roll her eyes and point saying, "I told you! You are totally a snob!" Just because something bothers me does not mean that it is entirely in my head. This might have a kernel of truth to it, so hear me out.

Back home I felt uncomfortable talking about film, television, theater or literature in unfamiliar group surroundings (i.e. business events, gatherings of extended family, parties and the like) the way most people feel about religion or politics. You see, in Minnesota, if you didn't like something everyone else liked (say, "Titanic") then it is received as a personal assault. If it weren't then maybe people would just be able to wave their hands and say 'Oh, that's just Bree. She likes different stuff than we do. Whatever. I liked it.' But instead they would argue with me and call me names (like snob, elitist, latte liberal, yadda yadda yadda) and completely shut down. I know I tend to present these things badly because if you get me going I go on and on and on. Not because I think you're stupid, but because story and character are really the two most important things in my life. I shit you not. I cannot overstate this. It is important to me the way the birth of my son is important to me. But the equation in MN, in my experience, is this:

(You like Movie A - I hate Movie A) + I love Movie B x You've never heard of Movie B = I think you are a total moron

I must assure you, that is not true. The equation does not work out that way. It really is no skin off my ass if you like Movie A, but I think if you sat down to watch Movie B that you'd really be blown away. I don't think you're an idiot for never having seen Movie B because there was once a time when I'd never heard of it either. Someone had to turn me on to it.

It's the same way with food. I didn't try asparagus until I was almost 23 years old. I barely knew the stuff existed. Someone had to put it in front of me. I've had some pretty mind blowing culinary experiences and I feel I would be remiss if I didn't share them with others. Same thing with entertainment.

This is just one example, but it explains a little about why I just don't feel comfortable in MN. Culturally speaking, people are quite deferential and are constantly feeling out where others are before speaking because we would never want to step out of line or offend anyone unless they were fully prepared for it. That means that a Minnesotan can really enjoy mean spirited comedy or satire because they went with the expectation that someone was going to do or say something outrageous. I find that open minded Minnesotans can really find a release in this activity, including myself. There is something so satisfying about watching someone say or do something so raunchy or politically biting that it is almost as if we were temporarily relieved of the responsibility of biting our tongues. If it comes up in everyday conversation, however, Minnesotans are very uncomfortable with it. I'm uncomfortable with it.

You see, I get called out for making observations about my home and upbringing. But, it must be noted that all of these things that I point out about Minnesotans are so much a part of my own psyche. These are things I question inside myself. Is it totally necessary for me to leave the last piece of anything on a buffet platter for someone else even though I am very, very hungry? So often I find myself holding a fucking bank door open for several minutes because I believe it is rude not to hold it open. I wouldn't want to be rude. As a customer service person, I am friendly and talkative not because I am actually nice but because I really, really want people to see me that way. There's a big difference between showing and doing. Showing is going through the motions and using my polite voice (which is an annoyingly insecure octave above my regular register) and doing is just doing it without all the smoke and mirrors.

I love people. I find them fascinating. Clearly, I find myself fascinating. Of course, I am considering deleting that last sentence because it is a rude sin to admit such a thing. But it is true. I still don't fully understand why I do or say the things I do but I try to figure it out by watching others. I watch my fellow Brooklynites with just as hard a gaze. But I don't see my own behavior reflected in them the way I see it in Minnesotans.

I don't hate anybody. Most people I really and truly like. Snobby would mean that I pick and choose who I hang out with by certain arbitrary criteria. I'll admit that I used to pick and choose depending upon some crazy set of "rules" that not even I understood. Things are different now. The truth is that the only criteria I really have is that you should like me and be kind to me. I don't care if you like "Duece Bigelow". Fine by me. You just have to accept my arrogance and maybe poke me a little bit about it. I need it. I need to be reminded that I'm not perfect and that that is okay.

Just don't call me a snob.