Choices
I've never gone too far.
Internally, I've never really felt the need.
I guess my hyperthyroidism was as close to taking illegal drugs as I'll ever get. I know that Grave's disease doesn't sound as sexy a high as say cocaine or heroin. I just knew that it was all I could really handle. That and liquor. They kind of balanced me out. The highs I got when my thyroid revved up made me jumpy, giddy, and WIDE AWAKE! When I was running high I was invinceable, gorgeous, and HUGE. I felt bigger than life and fast, fast, super fast. Of course, I would crash the next day and be absolutely impossible to live with. A thyroid can't be expected to have that kind of output 24/7. I probably would not have opted to have the damn thing removed if it weren't for the danger of getting "popeye", going blind and potentially doing damage to my heart. Oh well. Not every high lasts forever.
Of course, hyperthyroidism doesn't give me much street cred. You'd think that sort of thing wouldn't bother me because I've totally avoided fucking up my life in a fantastic way by following my internal high and getting my kicks by hanging upside down off of my couch for hours on end. But I do feel like I have to explain myself because I am a lame 8 year old constantly searching for approval and I get the "I know I'm more experienced in life than you are" attitude more often than I can really handle. I know that by defending myself I am totally buying into the idea that someone who has gone down that road has "lived" more than I. Frankly, I think that's all bullshit. While they were off doing their thing I was living totally different experiences that are just as valid in the realm of life experience. It doesn't mean that I was hiding or somehow not living to the fullest. It means that I already knew my limits and felt no need to test them in that way. It doesn't make me better or smarter than anyone else. Just different.
I know I visit this time and again, but I really don't enjoy the role of "good girl". I don't like being quaint or cute. I don't like being patted on the head and sent off with a condescending tweak on the cheek like you are privvy to some superior knowledge which I can never access because I chose a different road. Maybe, just maybe I needed different stimulus to grow. I don't judge you for your choices. Don't belittle me because of mine. That's ass backward.
And my Mom thinks I'm cool.
Internally, I've never really felt the need.
I guess my hyperthyroidism was as close to taking illegal drugs as I'll ever get. I know that Grave's disease doesn't sound as sexy a high as say cocaine or heroin. I just knew that it was all I could really handle. That and liquor. They kind of balanced me out. The highs I got when my thyroid revved up made me jumpy, giddy, and WIDE AWAKE! When I was running high I was invinceable, gorgeous, and HUGE. I felt bigger than life and fast, fast, super fast. Of course, I would crash the next day and be absolutely impossible to live with. A thyroid can't be expected to have that kind of output 24/7. I probably would not have opted to have the damn thing removed if it weren't for the danger of getting "popeye", going blind and potentially doing damage to my heart. Oh well. Not every high lasts forever.
Of course, hyperthyroidism doesn't give me much street cred. You'd think that sort of thing wouldn't bother me because I've totally avoided fucking up my life in a fantastic way by following my internal high and getting my kicks by hanging upside down off of my couch for hours on end. But I do feel like I have to explain myself because I am a lame 8 year old constantly searching for approval and I get the "I know I'm more experienced in life than you are" attitude more often than I can really handle. I know that by defending myself I am totally buying into the idea that someone who has gone down that road has "lived" more than I. Frankly, I think that's all bullshit. While they were off doing their thing I was living totally different experiences that are just as valid in the realm of life experience. It doesn't mean that I was hiding or somehow not living to the fullest. It means that I already knew my limits and felt no need to test them in that way. It doesn't make me better or smarter than anyone else. Just different.
I know I visit this time and again, but I really don't enjoy the role of "good girl". I don't like being quaint or cute. I don't like being patted on the head and sent off with a condescending tweak on the cheek like you are privvy to some superior knowledge which I can never access because I chose a different road. Maybe, just maybe I needed different stimulus to grow. I don't judge you for your choices. Don't belittle me because of mine. That's ass backward.
And my Mom thinks I'm cool.
posted by Bree O'Connor at 8:13 AM
1 Comments:
Touche'. (:
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