More Than A Little Uncomfortable

I talk too much.

I really do.

This is not so much a surprise as it is one of those Chris Farley moments when I repeatedly bash myself in the head saying "Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!". I've known about this for years. Not to mention the fact that people keep telling me that I do.

I have this compuslive need to speak my mind. At a little coffee klatch for parents from our public school this morning I shot my mouth off about disciplinary philosophies (and the fact that our school doesn't really have one) and my dismay at the disrespectful way I've seen children at the school being handled. I feel very passionately about this because the behavior that is learned at school comes home to roost. I'm tired of being yelled at and it is in no small way a product of his environment at school. That is not to say that I never yell- but I will tell you that I'm never the first one to start screaming in my household. That is a habit I have worked long and hard to break and I hate being dragged back into that pattern. I know, I'm the adult, but if he is in an environment that uses screaming to control the masses 30 hours a week, how am I to compete with that? Especially at the end of the day when we are both tired and cranky and not exactly our best? Hmmm? I'm working on it. I need the school to work on it too.

Well, it seems I am not the only one who is concerned about it and it turned into a very long discussion which, somehow, ended up with me volunteering to go to the school counselor to discuss the issue. You see, when you shoot your mouth off once, you end up getting elected to shoot it off indefinitely.

The thing that gets me is that I feel nervous and anxious about this whole undertaking. I've been in this position before and have ended up taking on way too much. I don't trust myself to not do that again. But- I also feel very strongly that I don't want my kid (or any other kid) to be demeaned, threatened, or yelled at by the adults in his life. They should set a better example. The school system I grew up in did a lot of things to me- but I do not remember being screamed at. They tortured me in much more creative and soul sucking ways. I guess I just object to the lack of finesse displayed here!

I'm in a very uncomfortable time. These issues at school, my job(s), and familiy issues are just hanging around my neck like a taut pinch collar poised for immediate correction in anticipation of my mistakes. In every area of my life right now I can't escape that sinking feeling that I am going to screw this up somehow. People keep telling me that I am capable and I am just not buying it. Not for a second. What's worse is my mouth keeps digging me in deeper and deeper, but I can't stop talking. I need to talk. I need to sort things out and process my world, but... I just feel very uncomfortable about it.

Yesterday I had a moment while walking to the bank. I had some nice paychecks to deposit and I was feeling very proud and optimistic about my future when the negative thoughts started to creep back in. I thought that I would know I was a success whenever my brain stopped dishing out the self criticism and that is when it hit me. That day will never come. This is what life is and always will be. I have a choice to either face it and maybe find some perspective through the struggle or I can hide in the sincere hope that this will go away on its own. It won't. This anxiety isn't going anywhere. It lives in me. It lives ON me and if I am going to be able to recognize my own success I am going to have to challenge the anxiety and my own illusions about myself- both good and bad.

That's the problem with seeing things clearly- when you get rid of your illusions you not only lose the ones you hate but you also have to get rid of the ones you like.