Horoscope

"You always feel like you could be doing more, but this overeager attitude could be fostering some unhealthy dependence among your loved ones -- and a growing martyr complex for you. Get some perspective."

I've never had a truer horoscope.

I've been training to save the world since I was about six or seven. Around 12 I realized saving the world would not be some action packed experience laden with explosives and monologues chock full of my sage wisdom, but rather a painful and little noticed event.

Screw that.

Of course, a little Catholic girl's fantasies of sainthood do die hard. A 31 year old woman often has a difficult time recognizing and caring for her own needs when everyone elses' troubles seem more pressing. It is a bit shocking to finally get that night out with friends only to have them verbally bitch slap you for not taking care of yourself. They look at you with horrified and shocked faces as you detail your daily life which, five minutes prior, just seemed like normal life. Hard, but normal.

But I have to wonder what our expectations are. I mean, I am fully prepared to admit that I do too much, but I can't quite get a handle on what balance means when everyone has these needs and I have five minutes to spare- don't I?

"But where's the time for you?!" They cry, plying me with alcohol as if THAT is supposed to solve the problem. And I must chuckle to myself as these are the same people who call me several times a day for support and may even forget to ask the obligatory "How are you?" I'm sorry, but sometimes the concept of "time for myself" seems like, well...bullshit.

Did anyone pester Mother Theresa about taking time for herself? Or did they just let her go at some point, knowing she was hell bent on getting into heaven? (hell bent...heaven...heh heh heh!) Or did Mother Theresa take her bubble baths and reading time seriously? Every living saint has got to unwind, you know!

I'm not comparing myself to Mother Theresa. I'm not that deluded. I'm not really getting my hands dirty or anything and I believe in birth control and believe the existence of God is debatable, so... the differences are pretty obvious.

I know I keep harping on this, but there is a part of me that truly believes we should all be willing to look beyond ourselves and ask "what can I give to make the world a better place?" Perhaps I take it a step to far and enable those around me- but where do you draw the line? Before I had a child the line seemed pretty clear. Nothing like having a kid to highlight your neuroses! I'm just not sure what a balanced life is supposed to look like. Sounds like a pretty unrealistic expectation to me.

Of course, I've heard people say that when faced with a future without another drink. I'm addicted to martyrdom! And it's not the exciting martyrdom you've read about- but an annoying, sighing, guilt ridden, Irish Catholic martyrdom without the benefits of eternal life.

Well, I can't figure it all out today, so I am just going to enjoy my coffee and wait patiently for the Oscars tonight. We'll see how Jon Stewart handles the festivities and most of all I am looking forward to watching how Robert Altman accepts his lifetime achievement award. I hope he accepts it graciously and yet still finds a way to stick it to the Academy without coming off as a crazy, angry old man. They need a good, sharp stick in the eye, the greedy, sentimental fuckers.

Happy viewing.