Rainy Days and Tuesdays...
It's not that I am ashamed of it. I just tend to keep it to myself. Or, truth be told, I'd rather not think about it at all. But the clock is ticking and in a matter of days I am expecting a rude awakening.
They all give me the same look and say the same thing when I tell them.
I see no reason to make it a big secret why I will be going back home in a few days without my husband or my son. I'll be missing out on some things, my Spanish class, my volunteer work, and some of my creative projects will have to be put on hold. People need to know why I won't be around for ten days. So I tell them and their eyes widen, their eyebrows furrow.
Oh! I'm so sorry...
I appreciate their sympathy but feel that it is so misplaced. Although, I don't know where else they could put it. I have no answers for any of this. All I know is that I want to talk about it, but what is there to say? My mother is losing herself. Slowly. She is sinking into an abyss that I know frightens her more than anything else ever could.
Mom could fight dragons, eat nails, be rubbed raw and still go swimming in salt water! She could do these things and still provide you with hot lemonade and honey when you have a sore throat. My Mom is the toughest and most unassuming lady you could ever meet. The one thing that shook her to her core was her own mother's stroke. After which, Grandma was robbed of her speech and could not care for herself at all. I distinctly remember Mom telling me as a teenager how it had been the most horrible thing she had ever seen.
"I know she was IN there but she couldn't get out!"
Now my mother is battling Alzheimers. I know she is in there and she can't get out.
I'll be spending ten days with her while my Dad is going to be out of town. I agreed to do this months ago, brushing it off like it was no big deal. But it IS a big deal. The one person who has given me more than any 100 people combined is slipping away and I haven't really faced it. Anxiety is setting in.
You do know what anxiety is? Don't you? Anxiety is that impending sense of doom that has very little to do with events in and of themselves. No. The doom comes from the fear that you will not have a plan. You will not know what to do. You will not know how to handle it. You will fuck up. You will cease to be and do and know.
I can handle this. Right?
They all give me the same look and say the same thing when I tell them.
I see no reason to make it a big secret why I will be going back home in a few days without my husband or my son. I'll be missing out on some things, my Spanish class, my volunteer work, and some of my creative projects will have to be put on hold. People need to know why I won't be around for ten days. So I tell them and their eyes widen, their eyebrows furrow.
Oh! I'm so sorry...
I appreciate their sympathy but feel that it is so misplaced. Although, I don't know where else they could put it. I have no answers for any of this. All I know is that I want to talk about it, but what is there to say? My mother is losing herself. Slowly. She is sinking into an abyss that I know frightens her more than anything else ever could.
Mom could fight dragons, eat nails, be rubbed raw and still go swimming in salt water! She could do these things and still provide you with hot lemonade and honey when you have a sore throat. My Mom is the toughest and most unassuming lady you could ever meet. The one thing that shook her to her core was her own mother's stroke. After which, Grandma was robbed of her speech and could not care for herself at all. I distinctly remember Mom telling me as a teenager how it had been the most horrible thing she had ever seen.
"I know she was IN there but she couldn't get out!"
Now my mother is battling Alzheimers. I know she is in there and she can't get out.
I'll be spending ten days with her while my Dad is going to be out of town. I agreed to do this months ago, brushing it off like it was no big deal. But it IS a big deal. The one person who has given me more than any 100 people combined is slipping away and I haven't really faced it. Anxiety is setting in.
You do know what anxiety is? Don't you? Anxiety is that impending sense of doom that has very little to do with events in and of themselves. No. The doom comes from the fear that you will not have a plan. You will not know what to do. You will not know how to handle it. You will fuck up. You will cease to be and do and know.
I can handle this. Right?
posted by Bree O'Connor at 4:39 PM
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