Not enough espresso in the world
There once was a time when an espresso drink could solve any problem for me. Is it too early in the morning but Sullivan needs to run around at the park? Cappucino! Feeling sad that those last 20 pounds of baby fat are literally hanging off your hips? Skinny latte! Need to do lesson plans, clean the bathroom, cook dinner, play with the boy and walk the dog all in the next hour? Iced latte, double shot with two sugars!
Now it just isn't cutting it. Perhaps, now that the blood has drained from my body and been replaced by a sweet coffee and dairy product that needs to be repleneshed at least twice a day, perhaps I need to admit that the coffee is adding to my tension and not relieving it. Or it could be that drowning in coffee is just another way for me to avoid my biggest fears.
Sullivan is loving school so far. He has a little gang to hang out with. He likes his teacher and he has been needing people his own age for so long. He loves me, but he is just as sick of trying to relate to me as I am tired of trying to sympathize with his perspective. Let's face it, I can be understanding about how he wants a toy or ice cream or a bazooka to blow up the kid who was trying to run off with the shoelace he found at the park, but we can't have EVERYTHING we want when we want it. But we CAN make a threat or two to get a little peace and quiet, you know what I'm saying?
At any rate, we are both happy that he is in school. He needs his peer group and I need him to need his peer group. Although it seems rather cut and dried, it really isn't. Now that I am finally able to tackle a career of sorts (as I have been begging to do for four years) I want to run back to the comfort of my cappucinos and mind numbing mornings at the park. Grown ups are scary and I miss my baby boy. He's not my baby anymore and he never will be. He's in the system now and this is the next 14-20 years of his life. Is that not completely terrifying?
Last night Sullivan and I took a walk after dinner and we had such a lovely talk about how nice life is. It was a beautiful evening. We ran into some of the neighbor kids and played on the sidewalk. We talked about our plans to see our friends over the next week or so and, indeed, it did seem like we were in an idyllic world. I had successfully made a delicious dinner (Tuscan pork chops- very tasty), my house was cleaner than it has been in ages, I had gone out to see a movie that afternoon, and I felt totally comfortable and relaxed. Like a job well done. Then I woke up this morning to that tight feeling in my chest of terror...how dare I wake up in the morning without making a million dollars first! I have time during the day for professional pursuits, why am I not pulling in a paycheck yet?
Keep in mind that today is Sullivan's first full day. Some ups and downs are to be expected.
Now it just isn't cutting it. Perhaps, now that the blood has drained from my body and been replaced by a sweet coffee and dairy product that needs to be repleneshed at least twice a day, perhaps I need to admit that the coffee is adding to my tension and not relieving it. Or it could be that drowning in coffee is just another way for me to avoid my biggest fears.
Sullivan is loving school so far. He has a little gang to hang out with. He likes his teacher and he has been needing people his own age for so long. He loves me, but he is just as sick of trying to relate to me as I am tired of trying to sympathize with his perspective. Let's face it, I can be understanding about how he wants a toy or ice cream or a bazooka to blow up the kid who was trying to run off with the shoelace he found at the park, but we can't have EVERYTHING we want when we want it. But we CAN make a threat or two to get a little peace and quiet, you know what I'm saying?
At any rate, we are both happy that he is in school. He needs his peer group and I need him to need his peer group. Although it seems rather cut and dried, it really isn't. Now that I am finally able to tackle a career of sorts (as I have been begging to do for four years) I want to run back to the comfort of my cappucinos and mind numbing mornings at the park. Grown ups are scary and I miss my baby boy. He's not my baby anymore and he never will be. He's in the system now and this is the next 14-20 years of his life. Is that not completely terrifying?
Last night Sullivan and I took a walk after dinner and we had such a lovely talk about how nice life is. It was a beautiful evening. We ran into some of the neighbor kids and played on the sidewalk. We talked about our plans to see our friends over the next week or so and, indeed, it did seem like we were in an idyllic world. I had successfully made a delicious dinner (Tuscan pork chops- very tasty), my house was cleaner than it has been in ages, I had gone out to see a movie that afternoon, and I felt totally comfortable and relaxed. Like a job well done. Then I woke up this morning to that tight feeling in my chest of terror...how dare I wake up in the morning without making a million dollars first! I have time during the day for professional pursuits, why am I not pulling in a paycheck yet?
Keep in mind that today is Sullivan's first full day. Some ups and downs are to be expected.
posted by Bree O'Connor at 3:06 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home