When Did I Say That?

I recognize that people often object to my views on human behavior and forgiveness because people think if you're not angry you're not being active. I never said that I don't get angry. And the thing that gets my dander up is that the second I suggest that there are root causes for certain injustices that people jump to the conclusion that I am saying there is no room for punitive action if you can identify the cause. When did I actually SAY that? I never said that.

I don't believe that anyone is inherently evil at birth. I've worked with hundreds of children in early childhood and in elementary school and I can tell you that, in my experience, "evil" behavior is a progressive expression of biological and social circumstances which come together as a child grows. Damian does not exist. Certainly there are volitile elements of brain chemistry that can, if left unchecked, make a child less likely to acquire empathy at the critical point in his/ her development. Sometimes it is the environment that discourages the development of such an important componant of human relations. Sometimes it is trauma left untreated. Sometimes it is a complex concoction of environment, brain chemistry, and trauma. There are a whole host of factors that create Mansons and Bundys and Hitlers. Unpopular as it may be to say so, I bet they were adorable babies.

That's the popular nightmare, isn't it? That despite your best efforts your child will just be a horrible monster and there is nothing you can do about it. Well, we don't know that for sure. We don't know enough about how individual brains work. It is hard to say that you can catch these things in early childhood and work to the child's strengths to teach them social concepts that it would be difficult for that brain to master on its own. Because the kids whose parents/ caregivers who were given that extra attention in early childhood didn't grow up to be a problem (presumably) and we tend to focus on problems in our culture- not prevention.

We are a highly reactionary culture and we tend to crack down after the fact. I'm simply saying that if we learn from the bad things that have already happened, study them, examine them and those who played a part we might be able to take the appropriate steps toward preventing it in the future. Am I saying we can catch every problem before it develops? Hell no. Not possible, but isn't it stupid and short sighted to not explore the possibilities?

For all my hopeful ramblings, I am also realistic. I know we will never erradicate "evil" from our lives. I'm not stupid. I'm just saying that what we've been doing hasn't really worked so well, what would be the harm in adding (not either/ or, but adding) another approach? On a personal level, I have a great belief in mercy and forgiveness. A lot of people profess to the same, however, you can't just practice mercy and forgiveness with puppies and good people with parking tickets. No. Kindness and love should be for everyone, and I mean EVERYONE. That's the hard part. That's when people fall away from religious teachings because it seems counterintuitive. How can I give love to someone who has willfully hurt others? But the act of forgiveness is not a benefit for the "evildoer" but for the victim. Forgiveness is self-preservation. Forgiveness lightens the burdens a person has to carry.

And by forgiveness I DO NOT MEAN THE REMOVAL OF CONSEQUENCES FOR BAD BEHAVIOR! By forgiveness, I mean letting go. It is the hardest thing in the world to do, but it is for the benefit of the soul. Natural consequences should be experienced by those who do wrong. The consequences tend to have more weight when they are meted out by open and forgiving hearts. Intention means everything.

Think about the times you learned something as a child. Let's say you were working on your mother's last nerve. You had been all day. She's been working on your's too. You've clashed about everything that day and the last straw was that she took your new toy away and turned off the tv for the rest of the day. At this point, you are ticked so you climb up on the back of the couch and grab Mom's special decorative Elvis plate off the wall and smash it. Mom could A: Smack the living crap out of you and send you to your room telling you that you are a terrible and ungrateful child, B: Scream at you and lecture you a blue streak, C: Count to 10, send you to your room to cool off then she comes to talk to you. She lets you see that you took it too far, you hurt her feelings. That plate was a gift from Grandma before she died. She explains that she is hurt and angry. She makes you clean up the mess, grounds you for a week, and sends you to your room until you are ready to apologize. How do you react to punitive style A? Me? I would just feel the injustice of being smacked and I'd sit in my room plotting my revenge but feeling distinctly nasty about myself. B. I'd zone out. She's just flapping her jaw again. What do I care? I'm still pissed at her for taking my toys. C. I really screwed up. Mom can't ever get that plate back because of something I did. I feel remorse and I vow to make amends.

Yes, this is simplistic and I am using children as an example. That can't work with adults, we are far too complex.

Don't flatter yourself. The behaviors we exhibit in childhood we exhibit in adulthood. Plain and simple. It is just that we tend to pat ourselves on the back and consider only "good" behavior to be adult. Hardly. That scenario plays itself out again and again and again from childhood to adulthood. Punitive style A just serves to create more anger and, if repeated through the course of a person's life, will manifest itself in rebelious or self destructive behavior. I call it the "fuck you, I'll show you" effect. B doesn't mean anything. At all. It isn't connected to anything but the mother's egotism (I am SOOOO guilty of Style B!) and no one ever listens no matter how skilled the oratory. Style C, while not particularly cathartic for the mother at first, actually teaches the child about someone else's feelings and allows the child to experience the weight of his actions. He clearly is punished for his actions and not for his BEING and begins to see where that line in the sand is. By the end of this episode, mother and child have grown and actually feel better about being together. He knows what he has done wrong and is motivated to make a change because he can. Since he has not been given the message that there is something wrong about his being (which is hopeless to fight against, so why try?) he can feel good about completing his punishment and knows that his mother will accept him and be proud of him for doing so.

If there is no love and acceptance at the end of punishment, why give a fuck about what you do and who you hurt? It isn't going to give you what you need to survive, so fuck it. Take what you need and screw everybody else. These are standard and predictable reactions.

I'm losing my thread at the moment, but there is so much in my mind about how we treat one another. I know it may seem completely soft and namby pamby to some, but I really do believe in the transforamtive power of love and forgiveness. Of course, people have to be ready to receive love and forgiveness in order to be changed by it but that doesn't mean I shouldn't give it. On the contrary. I love hopeless causes.

And, as I said earlier, it isn't for the object of my affections that I give love. It's for me. All for me.